I’ve never claimed to be anything but what I am – a bitch. It’s really just an acceptance of all my faults and an understanding that people will either like me for who I am or not. It’s their choice. Yet, it has become clear to me that even people I believe like me, really just tolerate me and for the most part think that I’m a bitch. This may leave you confused as I just admitted above that I AM a bitch. The point of this post is to clarify that there is a BIG difference between accepting your bitchiness and realizing that pretty much everyone around you is THINKING you are a bitch.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve understood that my attitude and actions can give off the impression of bitchiness. People often mistake my passion and seriousness for my kids, for my work, for my life as bitchiness. I can assure you that the words that come out of my mouth are never intended to be rude, condescending or bitchy. My ability to filter my tone has gotten significantly better with age, yet it will never be perfect. I stand up for what I believe in. I tell it like it is. Sometimes things are just going to come out the wrong. Sometimes things are going to rub people the wrong way. And therein lies the difference - me understanding that I’m a bitch doesn’t take the hurt away when I find out people think I’m a bitch.
Yesterday was a day of self revelations. I realized that most people around me believe me to be bitchy, condescending, and stubborn. I also realized that I take things WAY too seriously – and that is an understatement. My need to “mother” everyone and everything around me also causes me more trouble than I really need. Then I start understanding that I don’t necessarily like who I am, but also understand that I can’t change me. I can work to improve my filter and try to take a lighter approach on certain aspects of my life, but I can’t change the inherent elements that are ME anymore than I can make the grass blue. I start to think that I’m becoming more and more like some family members that I always told myself I would never be like. I start to analyze my life and where I am and how the constant feeling of loneliness probably has A LOT to do with me being a bitch. It probably has alot to do with my serious lack of close current friendships. Then I ask myself if an Elementary School teacher is really going to work for me…I’m not the bubbly, likeable person that one expects to find teaching their kids…
And that’s when it really hits me. I see some of the same traits starting to appear in my children. The bossiness. The need to be in control. And THAT is when I really start to panic. At first I thought they were good traits to have – in moderation of course. They would grow up to be leaders one day and those skills would come in handy. Now I’m starting to wonder if these traits will bring them the same pain they’ve brought me. Have I done them a huge injustice by letting these traits rub off onto them? Could I have stopped it? It’s one thing for me to be disliked. I’ve dealt with it for years now. It’s another to think that my children might go through this…all because of me and who I am.
So the question is – where does one draw the line? Is accepting me for me ok, or is there an underlying problem there that needs professional help? Trust me, even I recognize the sound of craziness when I hear it (or read it). Most importantly, how do I stop the hurt this is causing me…and why NOW is it bothering me when it never has before, at least not to this extent?
Maybe this is all just pointless babble…typed out for no one to read. Did it help? No, not really…
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