I feel like I’m losing my frigg’n mind. For a woman who is used to knowing EXACTLY what she wants, this feeling of confusion is driving me MAD! Too many areas in my life have tilted off their axis lately which has completely unnerved me. Sounds dramatic, I know…and I’m sure everything will right itself eventually, but for now this lingering sensation of standing on the edge of a tall cliff just won’t leave me alone. I’m a planner by nature, but if you were to ask me right now where I see myself in 10 years, I would have absolutely no answer for you.
To start it off – Rya has officially been accepted into 4 schools: 2 charter, 2 out-of-district public schools. She is enrolled in THREE of the FOUR at this very moment. All are very good schools, but each has a set of pros and cons that are making it damn near impossible to make a decision. I have absolutely no idea what to do, as I am not 100% on any of the options. I know it’s “just Kindergarten”…but to me, this is the beginning of the rest of her life and I want to make sure we start it off right. I could write an entire entry on this issue alone, but will end it here. Any Mamas out there with advice - feel free to get in touch with me...I could definitely use some right about now.
Then to the Little Monster – this kid is giving me a run for my money. I told him last night that if he finished his corn dog, he would get a cookie. I walk away for a few minutes and come back to find his plate clean. I asked him if he really finished it, to which he replied “Yes” and then asked if he fed it to the dogs, to which he replied “No” with a shake of his adorable little head…so I gave him a cookie. This morning as Rya is looking for her shoes I hear “Um, Mom…” and immediately cringed. That phrase is rarely followed by something positive. When I went to check out what the Little Diva was so disgustingly pointing to, I see the supposedly eaten corndog…apparently thrown onto the carpet behind the doggie gate. When I picked it up and asked Keaton what the thing in my hand was, he innocently looked at me and replied, “Um…a donut?” **Sigh**
Not that this is news, but I’m a Mom – a quote from Spiderman comes to mind, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” I can’t really remember wanting to be anything else - well, except maybe a teacher. Mommyhood is like living and breathing for me…yet I’m constantly second guessing my abilities. Am I doing everything right – most definitely not. Are my kids happy – for the most part, yes. Can my kids sense my instability – most definitely, yes. There are just so many ways I can mess this Mommyhood thing up…and I just need to remind myself that it’s ok if I do. No Mom has ever been perfect and in the end we all turn into crazy adults anyway.
Now school – I start in 2.5 weeks. New school – Grand Canyon University. New degree – Secondary Education. I’m 32 and STILL can’t figure out what I want to do with my life. I’ve asked for guidance…signs…everything…and while I’m sure God has been sending me exactly that, I am apparently too simple to understand. God - please help this stupidly smart girl out :| She really needs your help.
Ugh…and my problem with my self image – I’m 25 pounds heavier than my pre-Rya weight. I’ve been on a diet for a few months now, with only a 2.5 pound loss to show for it. I’m talking…no soda, limited coffee, shake for breakfast & dinner and a reasonable lunch, plus massive water intake. I just don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? Am I as active as I should be? No…but who has the time or energy to work out? By the time I get home I’m emotionally and physically EXHAUSTED. I realize that’s just an excuse…I could make time and find the energy, but dude….I tell you it’s not that easy. Now, there are some portions of this weight gain that I’ve grown to accept and even like…others however are constantly being loathed by the little female voice in my head that wants to look 20 again :|
Work – always a touchy subject that may be rectified once I finally finish school (assuming, of course, that I really DO finish school). Co-workers who may be reading this...please skip to the next paragraph please…ahem…right. Ok, so…anyone who has worked with me would vouch that I take my job very seriously. I tend to be passionate about my opinions, much to the dismay of management. I’m a team player who is always willing to help others. Or, at least, this is how I see myself. Currently I feel extremely undervalued and underappreciated. I can tell you that when I started, I gave my all to help improve processes and morale. Over the years, as my efforts have gone mostly unnoticed, I started to withdraw. Why give 100% of myself if no one is paying attention, right? I know this is wrong…and I keep telling myself that regardless of the situation, my work always deserves the best of what I have to offer. My work should be a reflection of who I am as a person…not about getting rewards and acknowledgements.
You find out who your friends are – the country song keeps playing in my head. Over the last year, I’ve discovered who my true friends are and just how important they are to me. Some new, some old…either way they’re impossible to live without. They’re constantly reminding me that I’m not alone…I’m not the only one with problems…and are always making me laugh – sometimes even at myself. When I get down and depressed, there are 2 very strong, beautiful, smart women I can go to that will help me see the light in any given situation. I can tell them damn near anything…and I appreciate their honest, and unfiltered opinions. Thanks ladies…I’m pretty sure you will know who you are if you read this :) PS…if you’re a fake friend…how about we stop wasting each other’s time, ok?
I find myself saying, “Life should NOT be this complicated” quite frequently these days. In reality, I know that it’s only as complicated as we make it. You’re looking at the Queen of Over Analyzing…and for the umpteenth time in my life I am just sitting here wishing there was an off switch for this brain of mine. I need to come to terms with the fact that while "Life is what you make it"...everyone has limitations on just how much they can influence a little thing called FATE.
I suppose this is enough whining for now. Thanks for pretending to read it!
