There
comes a time in everyone’s life when they question their purpose. What are they here to do? For me, that moment
has been lingering out there for quite some time, waiting for me to give it
some attention. Then WHAM…out of nowhere it decided it didn’t want to wait any
longer and pushed itself to the forefront of my already frazzled brain. I
wouldn’t quite classify it as a mid-life crisis – I don’t feel unstable or like
I’m on the verge of doing anything rash – but let’s just say this…there have
been some hellacious mood swings.
What
it boils down to is this…I’ve recently discovered that there are 2 very
drastically differing sides of myself that seem to be under a constant tug of
war. I’ve outlined them below.
THE
MOM: I have 3 beautiful, smart, exhausting children. They are everything I have
ever wanted. I love being Mom (Mama, Mommy, Moooommm). That being said, there
are also moments that I’m frustrated, and tired, and fed up. Oh…don’t you sit
there and pretend like you’ve never felt any of those things. I’d hazard a
guess that each and every one of us mothers has been one or more of those
things on multiple occasions. Don’t be ashamed. I’m not. I’m human. I have
human limitations. Lately, those limits have been stretched between kids,
husband, new job, new house, and everything else in my busy little life.
Therein lies one of the main problems. TIME. I don’t have enough of it. I’m
always telling myself to be better. Have more patience. Then the next morning
comes around, or bath night, or bed time and I find myself trying to adhere to
a self-imposed schedule. We always seem to be running late and then I get
irritated and snippy – both with my kids and my husband. I really do try to
just let things flow. Try to let things happen on their own timeline. It just
doesn’t work for me. I’m a control freak by nature. This part of me just wants
to be able to enjoy my family – my kids’ smiles and laughter. I want to be able
to take my kids to extracurricular activities without having to work it into my
schedule. I want it to BE my schedule. Right now, my schedule outside of my
family RUNS my family…instead of it being the other way around. I. Hate. IT. I
feel like I’m being cheated out of valuable moments in life that I will never
get back. The Mom in me wants to burst free and take over.
THE
REALIST: I’m a 34 year old woman. I’ve lived through more life experiences than
some will in an entire lifetime. They’ve made me stronger and braver and more
outspoken. Without trying to sound too cheesy…they’ve made me who I am today. I
like to think that these experiences have helped me to become smart enough to
understand that life is never fair. That we have to do things we don’t
necessarily want to do. For instance…I work a decent paying job (not one that I
love by any stretch of the imagination) because I want to be able to provide my
family with the luxuries that we are accustomed to. I don’t want to have to
worry about money and having to deprive myself of little things like pedicures,
or hair appointments. That may sound stuck up and rude – like I’m trying to
brag about what we have, but it’s just me being honest. I work so that I can
provide the “extras”. Whether that’s Rya’s occasional photo shoot, or letting
the kids pick out a new toy because they had an exceptionally good week…me
working is what allows for those types of things. Now, I’m also smart enough to
realize that life would be just fine without these “extras”. We could survive
without the latest gadgets and gizmos. We don’t NEED a new patio set. Keaton
didn’t HAVE to have a NEW bed. It’s simple – I like the flexibility my income
offers.
Now
you can see how these 2 voices are constantly sparring inside my head. On one
hand – I just want to be a Mom. On the other, I want to be able to have
flexibility with my income and be able to give my kids the “extras”. Some of
you may be thinking – “the kids are obviously more important than any amount of
money.” And I would completely agree with you. Then I stop and think…but it’s because
they’re so important that I want to make sure they have every advantage I can
provide. Preschool, extra-curricular activities, etc. My time with them is
important, but so is the time they spend away from me…learning how to be
independent and self-assured. Looking at my kids today, they are pretty
well-rounded, genuinely kind, smart kids. So...is my working such a bad thing? The
most ironic thing in this whole scenario – in order for my children to participate in the
extracurricular activities I want to put them in, it is a necessity that I work to be able to afford them…but then I barely have the time to take them…which then starts the
whole argument over again. **sigh**
And
THIS is why us Moms seek out wine / vodka / margaritas / <insert vice
here>!!!
